Today was such a beautiful day, we decided to take a ride up the coast. Open windows, music turned up, and the ocean staring at me like a majestic beacon of hope. The ocean has always been my safe and happy place for me. I place to go and forget all my problems or least send them out to the universe and let go of them for a while. But today was a bit different. As we were driving and the salt air filled my lungs I started to feel anxiety. I continued to do what I have been doing for five weeks now. I got into my own head, in that scary dark place that I haven't been able to escape.
Instead of embracing my safe place and feeling the ocean’s calmness, I felt as if I was drowning in it.
Overcome with anxiety as I looked around at the hundreds of people that lined up for food along the beach, NOT wearing masks, NOT standing 6 feet apart, NOT a care in the world. I wondered why some people choose to think they are invincible, immune to this illness that has now taken millions of lives. I came up with nothing. In that moment of head spinning anger and fear, my clarity came as I looked at the 3 masks sitting in our car, I looked at the hand sanitizer and wipes. It was clear. I don’t have any control over what others are doing, or how they choose to live or not to live their life. But I have one hundred percent control over how I choose to live mine. In that moment of clarity I said a little prayer and thanked God for my family and myself who are still healthy and thriving. I said a thank you to all the front line workers who put our lives over theirs and choose to be a part of the solution instead of the problem. And I also said a prayer for those who don’t take this seriously or don’t have regard for others lives.
I’ve been living in a fog of fear and anxiety. This is a scary and unprecedented times we are living in. How can I have complete clarity when the world has been turned upside down and we all feel as if the ocean is swallowing us. No one has the answers, no one has the cure, no one knows what tomorrow will bring. All I know is how I feel and right now, I feel unsure of everything.
Cancer has been the dragon in my life for so long I often forget this feeling of uncertainty. I decided a long time ago to fight this dragon and not look back. So this daily fight has become a way of life. Fear only rears it’s head now and then when I think to much of what Metastatic Breast Cancer truly is. With no cure, MBC is a death sentence, someday. But NOT today. SO this is how I have to look at COVID. I can’t let the fear consume me or dictate my days. Five weeks is long enough for the fear to consume me. So I am putting it in God’s hands.
Today I gained strength, courage and confidence. I looked fear in the eye and chose to let the fear go and take my power back. I allowed the ocean waves to wash the fear away and let the tide bring me back to a place where I feel safe and calm.
Tonight as we lay our heads to our pillows I want you to remind yourself that you have made it through another day. That you are headed down your own path at your own pace and with every obstacle you are trying your best. Be patient with yourself and your anxieties. Be patient with others as we are not all on the same page and at the same place in life. Remember to be thankful for the the obstacles that have taught you valuable lessons. Say a little prayer for all who are suffering and all who just DON’T get it. But most of all......Remember, we fall. We Break. We fail. But then, We rise. We heal. We overcome.